One Rich Guy dream I harbor — you know, the ludicrous things you imagine you’d buy if you had infinite wealth — is a bed room. Not a bedroom, mind you. A bed (pause) room.
What you’re imagining is correct: I’d fill up an entire room with a bed. A place where you open a door and immediately flop down on a wall-to-wall-to-wall-to-wall mattress. How do you change the sheets? Where would you even get that bed made? How would you get it in the room in the first place? Not my problems to solve, I’m a Rich Guy.
OK, so now that you know about my bed room dream, I feel like this next sentence will carry extra weight. On Wednesday, I saw this viral tweet about a bed-couch-chaise-entertainment-center monstrosity and even I must admit this thing is fucking ridiculous.
Look at it. It’s got a bed. A couch. A chaise lounge. Chairs. A rising desk. Tables and shelves. A goddamn speaker system.
What in the hell, man? What are we doing here?
I get we’re all spending more time lounging these days but this thing is just…kind of…stupid?
After poking around a bit online, it appears the bed in question is the Hariana Tech Smart Ultimate Bed. The base cost — the minimum! — is $2,799 for a queen-sized bed. If you want a king, that’ll run you $2,999. If you added bells and whistle — the site offers a night stand, a USB port, a speaker, an LED light, a cup holder, a lift function — the price could rise to $4,243. That’s a lot of clams, my friend.
And do you know what else can hold a charger, an LED light, a cup, books, hell, even a speaker? A normal night stand. Just a plain Jane side table that isn’t built into your bed for some reason.
When you really dig into it, the ~smart bed~ really doesn’t offer anything that crazy. Sure, it has a massage chair attached to it, the head is adjustable to sit-up straight, and there’s modular seating and shelves. Neat enough, but literally all things you could just…have without paying a ludicrous price to suture them to your bed.
And another thing: It doesn’t really even look very comfortable? Beyond being a strange, somewhat novel piece of furniture, it’s just a whole mess of things, none of which look terribly fun to hang out on. Imagine asking your friend to kick back in a small, upright chair while you lay in bed? Weird stuff.
Just buy separate pieces of furniture. And who need a speaker attached to their bed? I can’t get over that. What end does that serve?
Anyway. There’s the smart bed. If it’s tickles your Rich Person dreams, go ahead and order one. What is it they say about fools and their money? But I contend it’s no bed room. Not even close.